Deteriorating Voices
By: Jofhel
Here I am alone in a quiet dimmed room, sitting in front of my study table while facing the window towards South West B-... My surrounding is just so quiet and peaceful except the sound of the vehicles passing on the highway. I liked it because there is not much noise all around me other than the raindrops, no voices no arguments, no scolding, no nothing. I just liked it, but what I don't like is the noise that keeps bothering my head. There are so many voices chattering and blabbering inside it plus a murmuring sound that goes through my ears. I know what these voices are all telling me; in fact, it is haunting me every day. But because there are a lot of them, I don't even know how to face each of it. I am trying yet they're all a messed, where they become so sneaky and can't figure out which went in first. These voices are like the crowds hearing the noises all at once. The only difference maybe is that I can hear all the words inside my head, but I can't rationally think through ... they just randomly speak together at the same time in a speeding way. I took my journal and write whatever is freaking going on in my mind right now; frustratingly, I can't write and tell whatever I wanted to say. I am annoyed, irritated, disappointed, and frustrated. I wanted to burst emotionally, not only because I can't start writing, but wanted to breakdown because these unknown and indescribable feeling are causing me too much of emotions. I sobbed my head down...thinking almost everything! You know when your mind goes all of the thinking all at once, it's like your head is spinning off of space. It's hard to stop it; it just keeps going on and on and on that the only you have is to "GIVE IT UP" and won't be fighting that battle and will be just lose AGAIN. This weakness wins all the time because I've had let it win...like.all.the.time.
It's frustrating me when all I needed is to get all over the emotions I've been stressing out, but I always ended up losing through procrastination. I procrastinate because losses demotivate me! If only I am stupid and insane, I could be gone crazy as long as I ever wanted to. I feel like my soul is all deflated that I can't even motivate myself now. No matter how I believed that this would pass through, I can't help it but to lose hope sometimes. I give up my energy most of the time, my soul is giving up, and my emotion is downing me...that am for sure no one knows about. I am giving up only when my nonsense thinking is too weary. But I don't, of course, give up working on all things I need to do, it's just my energy that wears me out. Others thought I am strong, but what they didn't know, the strength they're seeing of me is all disaster within my system - a disaster that I keep on fighting. I feel like I am all tearing apart...my emotions are breaking me into pieces, and my spirit is weakening me. My negative thoughts are wrecking my head. But I can't show that to the outside world. I can, but I don't want to. I just can't trust my instinct telling to someone about the agitating silence I am hiding. I just can't! just don't want my emotions to explode in front of somebody. I am way too scared to express it all out because I don't know what's going to bound next! Can I still trust that "person" after? I have difficulties expressing who I am, and what I feel to anybody, and I don't have to. I just need to be who I am...lively and cheerful though I so genuinely hoping that I can find someone who can understand the way and who I am; someone whom I can trust beyond 100% but most of the time. I am still hoping up until now because I don't want my belief just to disappear; I still believe that God will still send that ONE true person to me at the right time. I know He knows I am not ready yet.
