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Seconds became minutes; minutes became hours and HOURS? It was moving backward, rewinding all the memories in the past. Yesterday is the past and done, yet TODAY is like YESTERDAY. Today must be a new day- a new beginning of life, but today is leading me back from yesterday. Today is supposedly the new chapter of my life. I know that memories are not "just" or a "must," instead it's like a stain that will never be taken away from my mind.
Wherever I go, it feels like someone's spying on me. The shadows I owe were barely understandable in a reason that I don't own it wholly. Part of me says that he owns half of me- that he belongs to me. No one's following me just to keep me----...words unspoken...speechless; my mouth has suddenly groping the words to come out. Words are truly undefined, but it can be utterly explained through feelings. Particularly, I have a lot of things to say and use it as a rock to throw it at him. "Mixed emotions" were the description of my "WHY AND HOW's" quests.
I thought we were compatible with each other because I was a hundred percent positive that he was the one for me. I knew that our relationship then wasn't perfect, but all I knew was that we loved each other, and we were as happy as a married couple. My strength was changing conversations with him; other than that, I felt delighted, elated, and blessed as if GOD planned our times together. I thought it was okay for him that we were in this kind of relationship- a long distance relationship. Furthermore, I thought he was willing to wait, ready to wait for our reunion someday. As time goes by, it was getting longer and longer, the relationship we built was getting deeper and stronger. Nonetheless, the longer we were in a distance relationship, the love that we have been holding on to was fading little by little. I didn't know if he still felt the same way about us. I was afraid of losing him, and I got scared that his love for me might have vanished without having a clue when our relationship was to end. The day that I had been expecting had come. He had been frigid to me since the day I kept calling him--it was when our 16/17 months of the relationship. I apparently felt that he didn't want to talk to me and had been trying to avoid me. I felt it even though he didn't want to tell me. I wasn't that dumb, but I was stupid for not confronting him. I didn't ask him because I was already hurting; I knew when and where this was going, so I chose not to talk to him about it. I waited quietly for what the outcome would be despite all of this. I was idiotic for not ending the relationship knowing that my heart and my mind, it wasn't all working. I believe it was the end of our love story. I asked him "WHY!?", but he was still being evasive. Although he didn't want to tell the truth, deep in my heart I was guessing what the reasons were.
Long distance relationships are difficult, but couples who love each other fight for their relationships. The best but essential ingredients for a long distance relationship - trust, love, communication, and time. I did everything to make this relationship work, but I wasn't the problem; it was him. How can I love someone who doesn't love me back? It hurts when you know that you gave everything you had just to make your relationship stay healthy. Was there anything I did not give to him? Was it him or me? Well, whoever or whatever the reason was, all I could say is, "This is life. God has a better plan for me". I have moved on at least I thought I did. Why am still writing this? I don't even know what the reason is, but I am hoping that above all these I have to give myself freedom and enjoy my life. I might not have heard the reasons from him, but moving on was the cure. "There is always a chance to change and make things right."
You can say as many promises you want, but you knew to yourself if you are being loyal and honest or NOT.
~Jofhel
